Korean Family: Leaving Your Parents Behind
[Props: portraits of my parents taken by http://joshdurias.com - simply elegant]
Almost 10 years ago I looked mom and dad in the eye and said, “I’m leaving for good – and far away”. I made good on that statement and packed everything I had into a little Toyota Corolla and trekked 3000 miles cross-country, ocean to ocean. I’ll never forget crossing the GWB (George Washington Bridge) for the very last time as a lifelong New Yorker – but that’s another story. Almost a decade later I have so many mixed feelings about my parents – to the point that I want them near me / to be near them again. I think it has something to do with
the children. But it (re)introduces some of the tension of calling. Those words of Christ to leave father and mother behind and follow him… I lived that out literally a decade ago – but now do those words still apply? I think of Bruce Waltke (who happened to be on the TNIV translation committee) and his teaching on the 5th Commandment – to honor mother and father in ancient Israel contained a dimension of caring for them in old age; it was one of the pillars of Israelite society. And so naturally I wonder what this means today; discipleship juxtaposed against aging parents. I can speak first hand about Korean culture. To ditch your folks in old age – even if in the name of discipleship – this voids that discipleship as fraudulent. So I wonder about discipleship and family; leaving them behind vs. honoring them… how do we reconcile the two?
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I understand the difficulty. This is the 2nd time I’ve left my parents behind. In some ways, my second move is not so much about calling, but about necessity. Yet, I still do think it God’s will that we moved again and His will that we moved where we did. So, the tension between honoring father and mother, yet following Christ above all remains. In the end, we are Christ’s above all and neither Korean nor Polish nor German nor American. It doesn’t make matters easier, really, and how that reality gets played out in any particular person’s life is, well, for that person to work out with God. I feel for you, Wayne.
I’m thinking that at different stages in people’s lives, different things are almost more important. Maybe there’s a time in one’s life where we need to learn to leave home. Maybe there’s other periods when we have to come back.
Yes, that’s probably true, though Abraham and Isaac never returned home. Still, the decision is to leave, say, is not for everyone, and things can change. I am rather convinced that I’m not supposed to return to the region of my birth, but I also would not want to blocky anything that God has in my for me simply because of my assumptions or predilections. I think God does repeat patterns (such as Abraham called to leave his family) at times as a teaching tool, but I think he also does things in new ways even when repeating patterns. It would be interesting to do some exegesis on that topic, actually.
Hey Wayne,
Great post. I’ve actually been thinking and considering the same issues that you brought up. I’m a native Vancouverite and I even enrolled at Regent after my undergraduate in Ottawa, but then God brought my wife and I to Montreal to pastor there. And now we’re even further away from Vancouver – we’re in Korea serving at Onnuri.
I’m about 3 weeks away from having our first child, still have about 2 yrs (part-time) left on my M.Div, and all of a sudden, very much missing the presence of family. My wife and I have always said that we will go wherever God wanted us to go, even if that meant coming out to Korea, where both of us have never lived before. But with the coming of our child, we are wondering if maybe moving closer to family would be a wise thing to do. We are wondering – would it be the easy/comfortable thing to do, or the God-thing to do? Or is there even a dichotomy there?
I have a deep passion and calling from God for 2nd gens. He’s given me multiple visions, dreams, and prophesies regarding this – so I’m wanting to do a doctorate for further preparation…but where? And when? It’s such a hard question to answer and approach – the discerning of God’s will.
Any thoughts?
Daniel – thanx for stopping by and the great comment. Seems there’s lots of points of connection here and much in common. I’m wondering how you’re reconciling the tension of family / calling?
I’ve couple of friends @ Onnuri – guessing you know them. And I’m over here in Vancouver right now even. Gimme a shout if ever this side of the Pac.
I don’t think there’s necessarily a difference between the easy/comfortable thing to do and the God thing to do. What is not comfortable is not necessarily from God and some things that are easy/comfortable may very well be from God. Clearly, family and God need not be a dichotomy either, but there is certainly a precedence involved; i.e., following Christ takes precedence over all else, as Jesus time and again illustrated.
Yet, that doesn’t mean a specific “call” is truly a call from God simply because it seems difficult or because it seems like it’s putting God first. Truly, as you said, Daniel, discerning God’s will can be difficult. I know someone who ran for president last year sincerely thinking it was God’s will. He had reams of “evidence” supporting his run for office. It was a difficult choice, putting himself up for great embarassment and causing tension in his family, all in the pursuit of what he thought was from God. Yet, not a whit of it was from God for this person I know is not Barack Obama.
So, anyway, the ability of us to fool ourselves regarding what’s truly from the Lord is staggering…and humbling. Sometimes, you can’t truly know until you actually do a thing whether it’s from God or not, I think, as well, but, well, one approach to take is to the advice of Proverbs and to seek many advisors…people whom one trusts.
@Wayne
When I was just a son, my responsibility was to God, and then to my parents.
When I became a husband, my responsibility was still to God, then to my wife, and then to my parents.
But now that I’m becoming a father, my responsibility will always be to God, then to my wife, then to my children, and then to my parents.
In other words, I believe that I need to keep humbly leading my family to draw closer to Christ and ushering His Kingdom here on earth, while also courageously protecting my family. However, as I am becoming a father, I’m noticing more and more, just how important family is. In our culture, it’s pretty common for children to leave their parents home, yet it is still hard, especially for Asians. In light of that, I can’t even begin to fathom what Abraham had to deal with when he was called to leave his family, his home, and everything he was comfortable with…especially when leaving wasn’t the norm!
I like to see my life in seasons. Coming out to Korea was definitely never planned – it was actually God’s total providence in bringing us out here. However, when we decided to come out here, we knew it was going to be for a season. Definitely a season of training, learning, and growing. So we wonder what will happen when this season comes to an end? Perhaps in God’s total providence, he’ll bring us to Canada or the States (hopefully closer to family) to fulfill the visions and dreams he’s impressed on my heart. Or maybe he’ll fulfill them elsewhere in the world.
It’s tough. It’s definitely a tough act to balance calling and family, but one thing i’ve learned is that God does not require geography to accomplish his purposes – so why do we place so much emphasis on it?
BTW, who do you know at Onnuri? I’ll definitely try to hook up with you if i come over there
I go way back w/ Michele Chae who is a senior designer @ Samsung
Steve and Jamie Cha were very influential on my life during my college years thru to this day
can’t think of any more tho…
@Wayne
Oh wow. Did you go to the University of Illinois Champlain Urbana?
Steve Cha is a pastor at our church and he’s actually my spiritual formation professor
Jame Cha used to be a children’s pastor for our Onnuri English Ministry.
Wow – what a small world
Your post made me thing of Jesus’ words to the Pharisees about declaring “Corban” what was meant to be of support for their parents and I think it may have some relevance here. There may be times and ways when declaring something is “devoted to the Lord” is a way of avoiding doing what God wants us to do, and Jesus’ example was, if I recall, about parents. I don’t know what that means, but it’s just what came to mind as I think about my own parents as they grow older. Your parents are a very good looking pair by the way.